Vanilla Custard Pudding

Never in my wildest dreams did I imagine that I would have to say goodbye to my mother so unexpectedly. I took it for granted that there would be another day, another opportunity to see her. To do something nice for her. To tell her that I loved her, and that I was sorry she had had such a tough time. It broke my heart every day to see that she was traveling down a slippery slope. The end of the journey was inevitable, and I felt incapable of saving her.

When the moment arrived, I fed my mother vanilla custard pudding. It was her last physical connection to this world. She took it in with urgency and delight. She looked into my eyes, thanked me and slipped away into unconsciousness.

For the next couple of days I sat with my mother knowing she was never going to wake up. But I knew she could hear me. So I whispered that I loved her. That she had been a great mother. I thanked her for giving me life. I reminded her of happy moments we had shared. I never mentioned the unhappy ones. Or the pain and fear I had felt many times in my life. I never led on about the sadness buried deep in my heart  for all the could have's, should have's, and would have's. I wanted to send her off with beautiful words and love. She deserved it.

When I got the call shortly after midnight, on the day my mother died, I finally understood what it felt like to loose the most significant person in one's life. She had made such an impact on who I am. It's been almost four months since my mother passed away. I can hardly believe it.  Not a day goes by that I don't think about her, talk to her, or miss her.  But I am happy that she is now with the angels and free of pain. Vanilla custard pudding will never taste the same again.